Some day, I just want to be happy… (Warning: some spicy language)

I know that my last post was all about physical wellness and weight loss. I apologize if you may have been hoping for part 2 to be the next post and are finding that you are disappointed in a mental health post showing up instead. Being that I am supposed to be covering health, as a whole, mental health plays a HUGE role in an overall feeling of wellness.

As I have told everyone before, I write mostly from a place of experience. I write about what I’ve done, where I’ve been, how I started, and the result of that journey. This post is no different.

I am struggling. And that’s ok.

I, like plenty of others, am fighting with more emotions than I know how to handle. I am angry and sad and hurt and feel like I am going nowhere and haven’t accomplished much in my 34 years of life. I feel disappointed in myself and that makes me angry. I feel weak because I’m disappointed and angry with myself and that makes me sad. I think you can see where I’m going here. It’s like a huge horrible circle that works its way into self-loathing. I know it isn’t healthy. I’ve been here before. I know how hard it is to turn it around. That’s why I also know that I needed to reach out and ask for help.

I was scanning through my Twitter feed yesterday and one of the fitness bloggers that I LOVE posted a lead in to a link to read what I’m sure is a WONDERFUL article. I didn’t even click the link because the lead in triggered me to answer immediately and out loud with a response that stopped me cold.

The tweet: “What do YOU want to be when you grow up?” My response: “One day, I just want to be happy.”

I felt like I had just slapped the shit out of myself. 

I know that I hadn’t been super happy lately. I know that I’ve been grieving and that my entire life has kind of felt like a series of pointless actions over the last few months. But that response? TOTALLY unexpected. I have moments throughout the day where I’m laughing, something makes me smile, or I enjoy what’s happening at that moment, but I am not really happy. The crap reality is that I’m pretty miserable right now. It’s grief, and depression, and bipolar disorder. But it’s also not having any sense of self. It’s not knowing what I want or need. It’s not knowing who I am or where I’m going. But it’s just temporary. 

I started counseling last week. Again. This time I am aware that it is going to be an extremely long road. A lot of it is going to SUCK GIANT BALLS. It’s going to be really hard work and it’s going to HURT LIKE A MOFO. I also know that it is going to be totally worth it, because I am. Because my family is. Because I am no good to anyone as a mother, daughter, friend, lover, or an advocate, if I feel like I’m no good for myself. There will be better days. And I’m sure there will be worse. I just have to keep saying OUT LOUD to myself that it’s all just temporary. I may not be ok right now, but one day I will be. We all will be. We just have to ask for help and work REAL DAMN HARD to get there. I know all about hard work. Physical and academic. This is a bit different because it’s emotional, but hell. I have kids. I gotta be able to handle something this simple, right? We’ll see. 

First step has been taken. I’ve been given an assignment by my counselor to make lists. HOT DAMN! I love lists. These are a bit harder than the lists I usually make. I have to make lists of things I want and things I need. That’s just the start. That (without being instructed to do so) usually evolve into even more lists like what my strengths are and what I need to work on. I also have quite a talent for getting way off track, because I am making lists, to start making lists of stuff I need to do around the house or stuff I want to look into or books I want to read. Yeah, it’s a bit LOOK A SQUIRREL, but at least I know that part of me, right?!?! It’s a start.

Essentially I m sharing all of this with all of you with the hope that it reaches someone else that may be struggling. It doesn’t matter what you’re struggling with, because it’s still struggling. Sometimes it can feel like you are suffocating, but I want every one to know that there are people out there that will grab your hand and walk you through the darkest moments of your life. Even strangers. You are NEVER alone and you are always worth more than you give yourself credit for. You just have to take that first step and just say to someone that you are not ok and then realize that it’s just temporary. Hell, if you don’t have anyone that you’re comfortable with enough to tell them, tell me. There is no judgment here. I’m too busy judging myself, but I will listen and I will help where I can. 

My sociology professor told my entire class at the end of class every day, for the entire semester, that happiness is a skill and like any skill needs to be worked at. Everyone deserves to be happy, but you have to work for it. I’m willing to work as hard as it takes, because some day… I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY.

Truly.

Inexplicably.

Enviably happy.

Until next time, I wish you all health, happiness, and a beautiful day.

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